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A cute older sporty working-class type of butch tried to pick me up, but she wouldn’t dance, and I was too into watching all the bodies to have her try to get me to go home with her. I was fascinated by the young beautiful girls who to me looked totally straight. Were they bi, were they straight fag-hags? They rubbed on the dance floor. And I loved being slightly confused and turned on.

I have no idea where I stayed in relation to downtown, but it was a house and it had cats and I had a couch and everything was perfectly cool and comfortable. Everyone wanted my host. She is hot, and smart, and super quick. I don’t think she’s met her match. She’s a challenge, and I don’t think she values herself as highly as she could. In NYC she’d have Attitude, and would charge people for looking at her. But where she is, she’s laid back and friendly and guarded and tough all at the same time. There’s something deliciously faggy and girlish about her, like the way she won’t stand for bio men leering at her lesbian friends. She gets mad, and she’s loud, and drives fast and has big boobs. She knows everyone. She let me into her world, and I am so thankful. I felt more at ease around her and her friends than I have felt around any of the "community" where I live now. We were on each other’s laps and stripping in front of one another and being playful and taking care of one another within seconds. It was like being around my gay boy friends back in NYC. Except with girls.

Oh how I love and miss that. The looseness. Yeah, the tensions, since everyone’s slept with someone in the group. But doesn’t that make everything tighter, too? The next night when we were all a confusion of naked legs and arms, squeezing on an armless couch directly one foot away from a dominatrix torturing her tied-up sub, all of us on each other’s laps and holding on to watch and giggle and feel each other, I asked one of the cutest butches, who had a mouthful of her girlfriend’s neck hair, do you have lesbian sex parties? They all fell apart in screams and yelps and started humping all over again, hells yeah, we need to have lesbian sex parties! It’s complicated but at the time I thought how much more interesting it would be, instead of everyone getting done individually by the dominatrix in front of their friends.

The next day we went to the conference. We left early and spent the entire day. It was exhausting, and there was eye candy, but I wasn’t super impressed. I learned about the history of the conference (one thing you should know is that this is NOT a competition, there is no prize, and no money-- people do it because they love it, and when groups or individuals get competitive and start to think one's better than another, it leads to "negativity" and divisive communities, and since it's so hard to get venues in the first place, the goal is to give everyone an opportunity -- how lesbian, eh?) and met many of the performers, and it felt more like a networking opportunity than an educational event. I did meet a cute filmmaker and watched one of her films, and shared about uniform fetishes, and went to some workshops on performing and expanding ideas on what kinds of characters to portray, but the best one by far was by the dominatrix -- not because I learned anything new, but because I got to sample all the toys and watch two slaves get used as models. It is truly an art. And the dom talked fast and had an adorable lisp.

After the conference we went to a mall! And then out for Thai food! And then to the main event. My god. I wish I could tell you, I wish I could describe to you these performances and the affect they had on me. There were thirty acts.

Let’s just say I was riveted. I found a place to stand near the front, and I remained there, staring, trying to take everything in, during the whole three hour show. I was in platforms and little else, and my legs and neck hurt, and I had a ticket to see peaches, but I did not leave. The show was that good.

The MCs were hilarious and darling. The first show was about gay marriage in Canada, and utilized the back for projected digital media. It nearly made me cry. There were two others that made me shiver. One was a performance by a South Asian or Indian, who used footage of Muslims. Another was a boy protesting the war. I don’t know if it was the music, or the convincing drag performances. But I was moved, and really amazed by the intelligence of the acts. Of course, there were also just very well choreographed and costumed performers who were very sexy. One came out in all white to "She’s My Cherry Pie" and actually fucked the pie on stage. One looked like Chris Walken and pranced in romantic flowy embroidery. One group played on the spy theme, from spy vs spy to austin powers to scooby. I was also amazed by some of the songs, like, how did they find the one about a father and son, how the son just wanted to play with dolls, and then in the end got one? There was dirty dancing and kid rock, n’sync and le tigre, queen, burlesque, strippers, and even the lion king. And whenever I didn’t feel like looking on stage, I just looked all around me, at all the people, the women and butches and cross dressers the people who made me look more than once, and smiled. I know, I am a dork. But this was heavenly.

So, back to my dilemma: who should I be? A cross between j depp in ben & joon and dead man, but smaller, is what i'm thinking. any ideas?